My thoughts are about to short-circuit…

July 9, 2014 § 2 Comments

 

You can't unsee this.

I’m sorry, Crab-Flower Club. I’m sorry, everybody. These things happen.

I had this amazing realization watching a TNG episode. Starfleet… Sailor Senshi… eh? Eh?

Sailor Moon = Jean-Luc Picard    MOON HEALING ESCALATION!

Our fearless leader. Okay, so maybe Picard is a little more put-together, but when Usagi gets into senshi mode, they’re totally indistinguishable. And really, personality differences aside, nobody else could be Sailor Moon. How many alternate-universe Miracle Romances do you need to prove it?

Sailor Mercury = Geordi La Forge   HYPERSPATIAL SPHERE GENERATE!

The nerd of the group, Ami consistently goes for math over love, even if she would prefer it otherwise. She and Geordi have both got the magical combination of a winning personality and a sly snarkiness, ensuring that their status as the most intelligent one in the crew is never too overbearing. In the end their affection for the computer/engine might be the most profound love story of all.

Sailor Venus = William Riker   VENUS LOVE-ME CHAIN!

Good old Sailor V would be the protagonist if not for Usagi, and she never forgets it. But really, she likes having Usagi in charge. She’s charming and, as the soldier of love and beauty, her love life is a mess. About the only difference between Riker and Venus is that Minako knows how to sit in a chair.

Sailor Mars = Worf   BURNING MANDALA!

Rei gets frustrated with Usagi often, but she always respects her leadership. She’s the warrior of the group and can always be counted on to pick a fight, which she’ll probably win. Like a certain Klingon, she takes everything far too seriously. Who else would Worf be but a disciplined priestess?

Sailor Jupiter = Ro Laren   SPARKLING WIDE PRESSURE!

Mako-chan seems strong and tough but is sweet inside, and she certainly deserves more episodes than she gets. They’re both friendly badasses. Expulsion, court-martial, same thing.

Sailor Saturn = Data   DEATH REBORN REVOLUTION!

The favorite of the obsessive fan every time. Hotaru and Data spark devotion that goes well beyond the show. Cyborgs/androids with a tragic backstory (mad scientist dad too!) and evil twins/identities. You can almost guarantee they’ll frequently hurt themselves and make everybody go “awwww!” And then they’ll nearly destroy the universe, but we forgive them.

Sailor Uranus = Tasha Yar   SPACE TURBULENCE!

Tasha might not inspire as much stunned drooling desire as Haruka does, but she seems like she’d be handy with a wrench and she looks great with short hair. Unlike our favorite scout, she’s not gay, but it’s Star Trek, nobody gets to be gay.

Sailor Neptune = Beverly Crusher   DEEP SUBMERGE!

Soft-spoken and delicate but with a moral backbone of steel, Michiru and Beverly both are drawn to the arts (art/music and dance, respectively). Also, both look great in green.

Sailor Pluto = Guinan   TIME STOP!

Does anyone really know who Setsuna is or where she comes from? All I know is that she guards space and time, seems more powerful than anyone else on the show, and drops in only when absolutely needed. And I’m sure if you’re caught way out at the gates of time, you could use a bartender.

Luna = Deanna Troi   LUNA SUCRE CANDY!

Luna is always there to look over Usagi’s shoulder, say “now, do you reeeeaaallly want to do that?”, and shrug when Usagi says yes. She has intuitive powers that are tapped only a fraction of the time. The rest of the time she lolls around and eats something delicious.

Chibimoon = Wesley Crusher   TWINKLE YELL!

What do these characters have in common? Ask anyone who’s had to suffer through an entire story arc with the precocious runt of the litter. I can just hear Wesley declaring, “Pink… Sugar… Heart… Attack!!!”

Tuxedo Mask = Q    TUXEDO LA SMOKING BOMBER!

He supposedly possesses amazing powers but for some reason he has to drop in once in a while and get his ass saved by the protagonist. At least he has impeccable taste (cough). Some people throw roses; others are escorted by mariachi bands.

 

DISCUSS.

 

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§ 2 Responses to My thoughts are about to short-circuit…

  • Orla says:

    I’m lost on the TNG references, but I don’t like it any less!

    But what does it mean for Senshi past-lives when evil Princess Serenity is getting it on with Rocky Horror’s Magenta in a toga?

    • Katie says:

      Dammit, Orla, you were my only hope for this. At least you can glory in the photoshop that my yet-to-be-nicknamed-wife added to the post. Now that I’ve slept on it, I’m even more certain I’m going to hell for claiming the moon princess and Patrick Stewart have am anything to do with each other.

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